Forgiveness.
Jesus speaks on it quite a bit in the bible. The one that comes to mind is of the father and son and the son asked for his inheritance while the father was still alive. He valued that money more than the relationship with the dad. The son took the money and spent it quickly and became poor and destitute and came back home. He wanted to be not welcomed as a son but as a hired hand. The dad was so grateful and happy his son returned home and he forgave him.
I want to know that after the son humbly returned home and said I am sorry and the dad forgave him, did the son ever forgive himself? Did he ever look in the mirror and say, “I am sorry. I forgive you.”
Forgiveness can be easy to do but when it comes to forgiving ourself, not so much. Why, though? I have read and reread and read again on the value of forgiving ourselves but for some reason, it has not entered my heart, although it has my head.
Why the disconnect? Why isn’t it easy for us to forgive things we have done? If others have forgiven us, and we have done the same, why isn’t it easy for us then? This is something I think about probably way too much.
I have messed up a lot of things from relationships to jobs to maybe opening my mouth when I shouldn’t have. For example, I can’t forgive myself for something that happened with my mom nearly 15 years ago. I had picked her up from the nursing home and she was so excited for a day out. I took off work that day to just spend time with her. We went to lunch and shopping.
She was so happy when we started out but ended up being very aggressive and argumentative to me and to people shopping. It became embarrassing. She was also battling dementia/Alzheimers at the time so we had some good days and a lot of bad days. It ended up getting worse so we left and I took her to my house but she wanted to go home. I got so frustrated with her that I snapped. I yelled and yelled and took her back to the nursing home. She went in and immediately went to bed. I called my brother afterwards and apologized and was just devastated. He talked me off the ledge, which he always does, and at the moment I felt better.
Every day since then, that incident plays in my head. Every single day. Every moment, every word just bounces off my head over and over. It has been nearly 15 years and yet, I cannot forgive myself for that moment. I should have done this and should have done that, but I didn’t. Lord, I have tried and tried but I just can’t. I pray someday I will, but I am not sure.
There are other instances where I have tried and tried to forgive myself but I just can’t do it. Even talked with a therapist about and he said those feelings are normal and sometimes what we demand for ourselves is greater than what we demand for others. Eventually, we have to do it and let go of all that inside of us but it is most difficult.
I know only one perfect person has ever walked the earth and we are all far from perfect, especially me. Perhaps one day that self-forgiveness will happen. Someone said to me once, it is almost like road construction. It is awful while you navigate it, but once it is done, you almost forget the past and just enjoy the now.
I certainly hope so because road construction in Nashville is about to drive me crazy. The same way something from 15 years ago still does.