We are now into week 5 of the college football season and it is going just like we all thought it would go.
Which means we all had zero clue how it would go.
But one thing we do know, what coaches say during the week, is not what they meant to say.
“I was proud of the way the guys competed. I was proud of the way that once adversity hit them, they responded well. I am getting to know this team better each week.”
“Do they have trades in college football?”
“Out of 70 players on our team, only 13 have been to Sanford Stadium. Only 3 started. We are growing up fast but we will need to grow up a lot to have a chance on Saturday.”
“I am asking for a friend. Do they have the mercy rule in college football and if so, can it start before kickoff?”
“I mean, you guys always come in here, week after week and ask these questions about do Lane and I get along and I say yes, and yet, you ask them again the next week. It is irritating and irresponsible journalism.”
“If I could put everyone of you into a pot of boiling piss and drown you, I would. Damn straight I would.”
“Losing to Mississippi State will not derail our season. I won’t let it happen. We lost a game to a very good football team. A very good football team. We came back and fought, darn near pulled it off. It is like the dog who leaves the yard and goes next door cause he spots a female. But she goes down the street, to another yard and that dog, that was in that one yard, is now in her yard, while she is down the street, in another yard. So does he quit? Does he give up? Or does he go down the street, in search of that female dog? The answer is, I don’t know. I am not sure.
“We had a week-off after that Florida loss and it hurt. We came close to making believers out of a lot of people had we pulled that off. We are getting there, dammit, we are getting there.”
“Questions? No, I am the football coach. No, I don’t know what John Calipari is doing right now. No, I am not sure how he will work in having 12 McDonald All-Americans. No, I am not sure how basketballs are made. No, I am not sure how long it takes to get from John Calipari’s house to Rupp Arena. No, I have never gotten Coach Calipari’s autograph. JESUS PEOPLE!!!”
“I told the fans, calm down, it is only a few games that we have won. Now the real work begins. If we win on Saturday, then you guys can celebrate because we have accomplished something. Hell, I will go to Walmart with you when we get back if we win.”
“Hold up. Do I need a tetanus shot before I go in Walmart?”
“I wanna say to Carolina fans that I am sorry for the way our football team has been coached, the way they have been prepared and the way they have had to execute the wrong game plan. I am sorry.
“Knock knock? Who’s there? Go Fu*k yourself.”