“DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!”


“Joe, Joe, what is that smell? Why have you sprayed Lysol all over the house?”

I will never forget my mom asking me that years ago. I had just destroyed a spider in the house.

I was barefoot when I encountered this killer. It was either him or me. I looked and saw a can of Lysol and proceeded to spray him. Spray him with all the might of my finger.

“DIE, DIE, DIE!” I screamed at him.

And kept the spray button pushed down til the can was empty.


OK, over dramatic, yes. Warranted? Absolutely.

Spare me the whole, ‘Spiders serve a purpose by eating bugs, etc, etc,’ cause I don’t care.

Every spring, I will find a spider, torture him with FeBreze and send him back out into the yard as an example to his little nasty buddies that they are not welcome at the house.

Every year, this fails to work.

I get asked all the time, “Joe, why FeBreze? Why air fresheners?”

It is simple. Have you smelled the traditional bug spray that you get when you use it?

It stinks. Badly.

Febreze smells great. Does the same job. And quite well.

Air fresheners are the same way.

Look, I am not an evil man. Think about it, when the spider is drowning in a sea of spray, I want to think that part of him is saying, ‘Gosh, this actually does smell pretty good,’ before he dies.

Last night though, I encountered a spider who had obviously just left Cracker Barrel.


And I had no FeBreze. No air fresheners near. I did have, however, a bottle of patio cleaning furniture.

I emptied that fu*king bottle all over him. I screamed ‘DIE, DIE, DIE’ until he was covered in

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spray and wasn’t moving.

Then I unloaded some more.

Victory was mine, yet again.

Every story should at least have a point right? Or at least, try to tell you something.

This one doesn’t do that.

I just hope some spider somewhere reads this and knows, the war is not over.

It is just beginning.

And it smells great.


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