GENERAL MANAGER/TENNESSEE TITANS

Job Opening:

Hello.  We are looking for a go-getter for an exciting opportunity to work with a dynamic professional sports organization in America’s hottest city, Nashville.  You will have the amazing potential to be a part of a great team that is always moving forward and setting trends.

Requirements:

You will be called the GM in title only.  By go-getter, we mean you will get coffee for the staff and will run to Chick-Fil-A every morning for chicken biscuits and Lemonade.  You will pay for your own gas.  You will also be thrown under a bus at certain points in the season and the off-season so please be somewhat limber. You will, if asked, tell everyone how great the owner is and other people on the staff.  This is non-negotiable.

When it comes to talent evaluation, we will take your suggestions and toss them into the Cumberland River.  In the off chance you are smarter than us, (you won’t be,) we will take full credit for said player and say it was a ‘collaboration.’  Please get to know that word and when asked by the media about it, smile when saying that word.  When we hit on a player that we draft, and we have numerous examples such as Ernest Campbell and um, oh yes Edwin George, and Dwayne Kearse, and others, we will take full praise for that, not you.  Again, your picks are collaborations; ours are ‘home runs.’

Other duties will be to show up at Nissan Stadium on Sunday’s and damnit, you better smile no matter what.  When Mrs. Strunk arrives, you will stand by her and fake laugh the entire time.  You will learn how to shake your head in complete agreement with our fearless owner, no matter how much nonsense she spouts, and it will be a lot and still smile.

You will never meet the media and will never say a word to them.  If by chance they catch you off guard, pretend you are on the phone or you can’t hear because of the crowd.  Wait, the wind, not sure if we will ever have a crowd again.

Don’t worry about references, you won’t be here that long.  Also, you will be asked at some point, to let the air out of one sports talk show host in Nashville’s car and have a burner account to text in to his show to say how stupid he is when in fact, he is correct on everything.

We will not be playing relocation expenses because this IS  A DAMN GOOD SPORTS ORGANIZATION AND YOU NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED YOU.

Sincerely,

The Titans