One of the things I cannot stand is when my GMAIL gets really full so here and there, I will take a deep dive and clean it out but I will read every single email. It is time consuming but more times than not, I have missed an email on something important or have forgotten to respond back to someone.
The other night I did said deep dive into my email and was just cleaning it out left and right until one email stopped me in my tracks. I actually got a weird chill over my body when I read it. The subject line said ‘Hi’ and was from an account I did not recognize. I didn’t click on it just yet because I had that feeling it was not bad but something else. Then I clicked on it and was mentally paralyzed for about twenty minutes.
“Hey Joe, remember you’re awesome! Love you!” I sat back and read it five times until I realized who sent that email. It was me. I sent it from when I was working in the corporate world to my personal email. I was in a really bad and dark place and sent several emails such as that one. I am not sure what a therapist would call this but I call it hanging on by a thread.
As I sat there and kept re-reading the email over, it dawned on me of how bad a place I was mentally. It was not a pretty sight but somehow I thought by sending those emails to myself that it would be a subtle reminder that in the end it would all be okay. I then found nineteen others I sent in a span of over five weeks. All had the same message. “Hey Joe, remember you’re awesome! Love You!”
I could barely sleep that night after I read all of those and tried to remember why I sent them. Was it delusional? Was it from a split personality? Was it on the psychotic level? I don’t know. I do know that it come from a part of me, perhaps deep down, that was telling me to keep fighting, keep grinding and knowing, as I love to say, this dark tunnel would only last a season. It was not the final chapter and this small part was going to fight like heck every single day to make sure I did not fall or fail.
I am not sure at the time if those emails even resonated in my thick skull but thanks to the grace of God and His love, I made it out. That is part of the mission I have been on with mental health and men because there is beauty and a loving light once we emerge. I talked to a friend when I was in the middle of this and he told me a quote that sticks me every single day. “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Read that again. Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.
That is why I sat there in silence for so long. That part of me, that small part who I have probably never listened to in my life, was fighting for me. Hard, too. I have to believe that small part that fights for us lives in all of us. I have to because there is no other explanation. I am 100% positive it truly was a God thing and I am grateful for that.
If you have made it this far, as Andy Dufresne said to Red in that valley, then maybe you will come a little bit farther. Find that inner self that will tell you over and over that you are awesome, that you are incredible and that you are going to make it. It did for me and I thank God for an email that I had completely forgotten about but in the end, might have saved my life.
Remember, we all walk together and please, please reach out if you need to talk. BigJoeOnTheGo@gmail.com
