The Loss Is Eternal

I have written through the years on here about my relationship, or lack thereof, with my ‘father.’  Yes, I will put it in quotes because besides the name, he was pretty much invisible all of my life.  He passed away 5 years ago and it has taken me that long to put aside my intense anger and hatred for him and move on.  

Now it took a lot to do that but what good was that for me to keep carrying it all around?  Nothing.  We cannot change the past in any shape, form or fashion and basically it was a giant waste of time.  Carrying around all that malice, and it was malice, will eat one up on the inside and it is really not worth it, so we move on. 

For most of it.  My son is on a school trip in Spain.  By all accounts, he is having the time of his life.  My daughter will be a mother in October, thus making me a grandpa and I cannot wait. Praise you Jesus that my kids are healthy and they are happy.  I cannot wait to talk to my son when he gets back about all he did over there and love talking to my daughter as she navigates this new journey of becoming a mom.  All of it is beautiful. 

Here is why I am perturbed.  My ‘father’ never met my kids.  Not one time.  Never reached out, never inquired, nothing.  I would have not stopped this because whatever he and I had, that was between us.  My kids were not part of that battle.  I have no earthly idea why this is bothering me so much now.  Not in an emotional way, but more of an irritant, if that makes sense.  

I don’t know if this is normal.  I have no clue.  It is hard to discuss with someone else who never had this situation and I really don’t know many who have.  My thing is that I cannot fathom going any time at all with talking to my kids and seeing what is going on and what is making them smile.  As for my granddaughter, I cannot wait to hold her and kiss her head.  I am so looking forward to that.  I also know that this precious little gift from God would be his great-granddaughter which blows my mind.  

Why wasn’t he that way with his own grandkids?  Was he a coward? Was he ashamed of the man he was?  No one is perfect and had he reached out, I would have not stood in his way.  Some have said why didn’t I reach out to him and that is a great question.  At the time, I still harbored a lot of resentment towards him but again, this was not my kids’ battle and having grandparents is a true gift from God and I can be mighty stubborn as well.  

Maybe that would have repaired the relationship, one can never know and living in the past can really drive you insane, which it almost did to me.  I just thank God I am not wired that way and now I never will. 

Someone said to me this and it really struck hard after my ‘father’ passed away.  He said, “His loss is now eternal.”  Man, that one hit deep.  But you know who will never know that feeling?  Me.  

And for that, thank you Lord.  

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