On October 25th, I will turn 55 years old and for the past several months I keep asking myself, why am I still here? Why are you still here? Why is anyone still here? It has been a particular tough year for a lot of people and I am powerless to help and that is frustrating. I am averaging a funeral a month in 2023. Each time I leave one of them, I ask myself that question.
Why am I still here? I have asked a few people and really appreciate the kind words they say back, the same ones I say to people and that is God has you here for a reason. I firmly believe that with every fiber in my body there is a great plan for us. I still ask myself though, why am I still here?
I ran into an old friend recently who is just eaten up with cancer. A beautiful soul and he told me that he really never appreciated life until he got sick. He says he is not sure how much time he has left and he will try to make this world a better place while he is still around.
Why did he get cancer and not me? Why did a good friend of mine in college get stomach cancer and nine weeks later, he was gone? I asked myself back then and now, why wasn’t that me? I know this sounds like torture internally but it is something I am really struggling with.
Back on Halloween in 1983, I was in a car with three other friends and we had taken fire extinguisher’s from McGavock and stupidly, would go around and spray people. One car sprayed into our car and as we were going down a road, all the power inside went off and were going fast and ended up in a ditch, thankfully, we were not injured. Why didn’t we hit a big oak tree or another car? How did we come out of that unscathed? I want to know why it didn’t go the other way. How did we get lucky?
Why am I still here? I asked another friend about that and expecting the same great answer, he paused and paused and looked up and down. He said, “That question is so powerful that I cannot answer it. Do me a favor, stop asking yourself that question. A finite mind cannot possibly understand an infinite God.”
Yet, I still ask, why am I still here? I have made massive mistakes and have screwed up enough times that I am sure God rubs His brow on a daily basis and that keeps me asking the question over and over of still being here. Another friend said we are just lucky to have survived this long and make the most of it along the way.
As I was writing this, my daily bible verse came through. It said, “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7. His timing is always perfect.
I will have that talk with the good Lord again tonight on why I am still here and as my friend said before, just try to make this world a better place before we are called home.