WELCOME, NEW AMAZON EMPLOYEES TO MUSIC CITY USA.
I REALIZE THAT A MOST OF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN HERE BEFORE, MAYBE JUST A QUICK VISIT, AND I AM HERE TO HELP YOU.
BUT, THERE ARE STILL SOME THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO SEE AND AVOID AND SOME BASIC INFO THAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT AND THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.
PRINT THIS OUT AND KEEP IT WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. IT WILL COME IN HANDY. HERE WE GO.
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1) AVOID ALL ROUNDABOUTS
TRUST ME ON THIS. AVOID ALL OF THEM. NASHVILLE DRIVERS HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE THEM AND, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, MOST OF AMERICA. THERE ARE STILL WAKE FOREST FANS WHO CAME HERE BACK IN 2011 THAT ARE STILL STUCK, LIKE CHEVY CHASE WAS IN EUROPEAN VACATION, ON THE ROUNDABOUT.
2) DON’T ASK ABOUT THIS
WE HAVE NO CLUE AND PRETTY SURE, THE PEOPLE WHO PUT THAT THERE, HAVE NO CLUE. IT IS LIKE OUR REDNECK STONEHENGE AND IT IS ON A ROUNDABOUT, TOO. (READ #1 IF YOU ARE UNSURE)
3) THE INTERSTATES
THE ONLY TIME TO GET ON THE INTERSTATES AROUND NASHVILLE IS FROM 2:30 A.M TO 3:30 A.M. THAT’S IT. THE OTHER 23 HOURS OF THE DAY, THIS WILL BE IN YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR.
AND IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO “TAKE 440,” PLEASE REPORT THEM TO THE NEAREST AUTHORITIES. THEY OBVIOUSLY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FAMILY.
4) IT IS NOT A MOSQUE
IT IS THE HEADQUARTERS FOR THE NASHVILLE ELECTRIC SERVICE. NO NEED TO STOP AND TAKE A PICTURE.
5) OLD HICKORY BOULEVARD
IF YOU GET ON “OHB” AS WE CALL IT, PRETTY SURE YOU WILL NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN. NOT DUE TO ANYTHING BAD BUT THERE ARE IN NASHVILLE PROPER, 173 OHB’S AND NONE OF THEM CONNECT TO ANYTHING. MAGELLAN WOULD HAVE SAID, “SCREW THIS,” HAD HE GOTTEN ON THERE. AMERIGO VESPUCCI WOULD HAVE NOT DISCOVERED AMERICA HAD HE BEEN ON OHB, HE WOULD HAVE DISCOVERED MIGRAINES.
6) THE NASHVILLE PREDATORS
NO, IT IS NOT SOME SERIES ON A&E ABOUT BAD PEOPLE IN OUR CITY, IT IS THE NAME OF THE HOCKEY TEAM. I JUST WANTED TO RUB THAT IN.
7) YES, WE HAVE UBER AND LYFT
AND NO, THIS IS NOT IT.
8) TAYLOR SWIFT
IF YOU HAVE COME LOOKING FOR TAYLOR SWIFT, GOOD LUCK. HER PARENTS, I THINK, STILL LIVE IN THE AREA BUT SHE ACTUALLY LIVES ON ANOTHER PLANET.
9) SHOPPING
DESPITE WHAT YOU HEARD, THIS IS NOT THE ONLY STORE TO SHOP IN WHILE IN NASHVILLE. WHILE THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE CASE ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO, WE ACTUALLY TORE DOWN AN AMAZING THEME PARK TO BUILD A SHOPPING MALL THAT WE CANNOT ENJOY FROM NOVEMBER UNTIL JANUARY.
10) THE GERMANTOWN NEIGHBORHOOD
I AM GOING TO SAVE YOU A BUNCH OF TIME. THERE MIGHT BE A FEW GERMANS WHO LIVE THERE, IT IS MOSTLY JAM PACKED WITH MILLENNIALS WHO PAY BETWEEN 3K AND 5 K A MONTH TO LIVE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS. SO NO NEED TO GO.
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PLEASE ENJOY OUR WONDERFUL CITY AND ONE MORE THING, THE CLEANEST BATHROOMS IN ALL OF AMERICA, ARE AT THE OMNI HOTEL DOWNTOWN. YOU ARE CERTAINLY WELCOME!
@BIGJOEONTHEGO
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