Office Etiquette on Monday

It occurred to me recently that the only people, over 30, who don’t complain about Monday’s, are either retired, homeless, or work from home.  
The rest of us, oh well.  We have to suck it up and go to work.  And I have it figured out.  What makes Monday’s so dreadful is not the fact that we have to be at work, it is having to put up with our coworkers’ nonsense.  This goes back to the Roman times where after a tough weekend of conquering countries, there was that one guy in the office, who would not shut up about his weekend and what he did and you wanted to feed him to the lions.  
Which they eventually did.  
So, I have compiled a list of things that you should not do on a Monday morning at the office.
Hold it in!!

This should apply to every single day at work.  I know there are some emergencies but tough doo-doo.  Don’t do it.  Go sit in your car and hold it like most people do until it passes.  I think most people do that.  Bottom line, do NOT do it.  
2.) No One Cares About Your Awesome Time On The Lake
This in so, so many ways.  No one cares that you and your friends  had a great day on the lake.  When you are telling me how great skiing was and that “tubing was so much fun,” all I can think about is this. 

Keep it up, it will happen.  I will find a submarine to sink you and your friends’ boats.
3) Stop The Vacation Stories
“Yes, I love your vacation stories.  PLEASE tell me more!”-Said no one ever.
When you come back to work on that Monday from vacation and start telling me how awesome it was, know that I am doing this the whole time you are talking. 

Completely tuned out.  I would say it’s not you, it’s me.  But that is a lie.  It is totally you.  

4.)  Don’t Ask Questions And Neither Will I

Pretty simple huh?  Just don’t ask questions.  At least right off the bat.  Ask after lunch, when we all get into a pretty good flow.  Ask then. If you ask me a question before lunch, this is the face you will get.

But, don’t expect me to ask back.  We all know the one guy who asks us questions just so we will end up asking him questions.  Try it on this guy and he will flip his lid.

5) Don’t Talk Lunch Plans At 9:30
Yes, please don’t be that person who asks, “Hey, where is everyone going for lunch today?”  And you do it with such eager optimism, too.  I wanna say this to you.

Look buddy, everyone is either hungover, depressed or a combination of both.  Ease into the work week.  Hear me?  Ease into the work week and it will be OK.  By Tuesday morning, things will be OK and you can then tell me about your vacation, or your lake story or where we can go to lunch.
Just don’t poop.  Ever.  At work.  And we will all get along fine.


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