My Day at the DMV

I turn 45 on Friday.

2 months ago, I got a letter from the DMV saying I needed to renew my license. I can do it online, if I want the same picture, or I can come in and get a new one made.

Oh boy, decisions.

I decided to get a new picture made. It has been 10 years.

Then I thought, the DMV. I drive by there all the time and there are what seems to be, hundreds, possibly thousands, standing in line, every single day.

I get off work Tuesday and since this particular DMV is close by, I decided to stop.

And what happened was like a scene of out of Stripes when they were getting ready to board the bus to boot camp.

Absolutely bizarre.

I pull up and there are like 4 cars in the parking lot and no one waiting in line. I get out of my truck and a guy parked two spaces over says, “hey buddy, your lights are on.”

“Thank you,” I replied and realized my lights weren’t on.

“Haha, I got you.”

I didn’t know whether to punch him in the face, go in, drive off or do all 3. I chose to go in.

Once inside, only 3 people there. I look around and a guy next to me asks, “Why is your license suspended? DUI? Mine is suspended for not paying a speeding ticket.”

“Got to pay them,” I reluctantly replied.

“I can’t until I pay off my DUI.”

Huh? I have literally taken a right turn into The Twilight Zone. No joke.

“Are you here to renew your license sir? A loud deep voice asks.

I turn around to see a woman practically yelling at me.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Then walk up to the kiosk and get going!”

‘Yes ma’am.”

Again, 3 people in there, and where were all of those people I had seen every time I drove by. Now I was wishing they were there so I could be left alone.

I start to enter my info into the kiosk and I hear that booming voice again.

“Hey I know you. From somewhere, how do I know you?”

Guy next to me at the kiosk, about 60 years old or so, says, “How does she know you?”

Now I am getting it from both sides. (TWSS).

“Ma’am I don’t know.”

“You are a contractor or something. I know that. No wait, I know you from something else.”

I proceed to fill all the info out, enter my information and the guy next to me says, “You can pay with a Visa card?”

He had been looking at my screen the whole time. WTF?

“Actually,” I whispered, “I am paying with a Kroger plus card. It always works and doesn’t cost me a dime.”

He looked like I just told him we were going to (cue the Nic Cage voice), ‘steal, the Declaration of Independence.

I enter my info, press send and proceed to walk over to get my picture made.

“Tell me where I know you from. “

“Umm, I used to be on TV.”


“Thank you but I haven’t been on TV in about 2 years.”

“But I was right. I am always right. I like being right. I knew it. I am right.”

Umm, OK.

“Stand in front of the blue screen and whatever you do, don’t smile. I need to take your picture.”

I smiled when she clicked.

“I told you, not to smile. Show no emotion.”

She clicked again. I smiled again.

“I don’t have all day.”

She clicked again. I half-smiled.

It got past through.

She handed me a piece of paper.

“Have a great day.”

All of this in about 5 minutes. It seemed like 5 days.

In and out.

I walk outside and A-hole number one is still there.

“Dude, you are dripping oil BAD. Wow!”

He gets out, pops his hood and starts looking around his engine and I get in my car and drive off.

I hope it took him 3 hours to figure out I was kidding.

The damn DMV.

See ya again in 10 years.


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