Keep Calm Daddy, and Stay Away

My mother would always tell me that she thought the one person who had the greatest sense of humor of all time, was God.
I never gave it face value until my daughter was born.
I reminded my mom about that when my girl was born and mom said, ‘See? Told you so.’
I believe that God gives us daughters as a small reminder of all the hell we raised growing up.
And if you have 2 or 3 daughters, then you raised a ton of hell along the way.
Then they grow up.
Then they become your life.

If they don’t, then you have done something wrong.
And then,
They get to high school. And you have to take them shopping for school.
And this is when you truly know, God, has the best sense of humor of all time.
Tuesday, I had to take her to get ready for the upcoming school year.
I will chronicle it through pictures of our 4 hour retail excursion.

This is me, as we started out.

I asked my daughter if I could go with her into the stores as she was picking out clothes. Ya know, just to bond a little more with her. This is her face.

OK, I took the hint. I was cool with it. I told her I would be right outside and either call me or come get me when she was ready to check out.
I sat outside a store at Opry Mills. 5 minutes. 10 minutes, 15 minutes. 20 minutes. 30 minutes pass by.
Then she emerges.

In tears almost. She has found about 10 items that she really likes. Usually, it is one, MAYBE 2, but 10. This is a huge moment. Why?
Cause she mentions that she might be done.
After about 30 minutes? Are you kidding me?
This is how I reacted.

There is always a but.
She remembered another store she wanted to go see.
I said, ‘Honey, are you sure?’
So we trekked to the other store.
Where she found nothing. She comes out like this.

Now, I know we are leaving. She got her 10 things, she is frustrated, so we will be getting out of there now.
Yet, another store. She wanted to look at purses.
She finds one and it is about 90 bucks.
Here is my reaction.

Are you sh*tting me? 90 bucks for a purse? Oh Lord, this is golden. 90 dollars for a damn purse!
I couldn’t stop laughing.
She didn’t find it too funny.
At all.
But she did find one, about 10 bucks that looked just as good as the $90 one.
Problem though, only one left. And another girl was looking at it.
I swear to God I thought it was going to come to this.

But, thank God, it didn’t. The other girl set the purse down, my girl grabbed it and she was off to the register running faster than Chris Johnson without a twitch.
We were done! It was a success. Shopping is over.
I said honey, lets go eat. Our job is done here.
Boy, was I wrong.
Very wrong. Here is the look when I said it was time to leave.

2 hours later, I was still at Opry Mills.
Still there. Still walking around.
I swear to God, this what I looked like.

But the best part. We run into some of my daughter’s friends.
Have you ever talked to your daughter’s friends in front of them?
Here is the universal pic, that all dads know too well, when you talk to her friends,the reaction she has.

So after 4 hours, we were done.
In and out of every single store at the mall.
‘Daddy, I am ready to go. But, can we stop at a few more stores after we leave?
My reaction to that….

‘Daddy, I am kidding! Thank you!’
I wonder where she gets her smart-ass comments. Hmm
We were finally done.
After 4 hours, my feet hurt, my back hurt, you name it, it hurt.
But not her. It was like winning a gold medal.
Her reaction to the day’s events.

And my reaction when I knew, it was finally over!

Still, I wouldn’t have traded Tuesday, for anything in the world.
Can’t wait til next year to do it all over again.


(Got questions? I got answers, email to…

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