It hit me as I was trying to sleep Monday night.
How fun would it be if the SEC football coaches had a cookout, all 14 in one place at one time, right before the season started?
Unfiltered.
At first they acted with pleasantries, but before long, it became the biggest smart-ass cookout in the history of cookouts.
This cookout is held at the winner of the SEC champions house. So this one would be held at Nick Saban’s house.
Enjoy.
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SABAN: Hey everyone. Welcome to the cookout. I will say this up front. I despise every single one of you. Beer is over there, steaks will be done in an hour. If I could give you all the black plague, I would. Thanks.
GARY PINKEL: Just because Missouri and Texas A&M are the newest members of the SEC, I don’t think it is fair for me and (Texas A&M head coach) Kevin Sumlin to have to clean up after the party.
At this point, Saban does this to him.
JAMES FRANKLIN: Hey, at Vanderbilt, an education is so vital that we virtually guarantee that if you graduate from Vandy, you will not be picking up trash.
BUTCH JONES: Here he fu*king goes again.
FRANKLIN: You wanna dance bro?
MARK STOOPS: Guys, stop, stop, stop! This is a cookout! Let’s have a good time.
FRANKLIN: Who the fu*k are you?
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—–Fast forward, an hour into the party—
LES MILES: Then the alien said, ‘We come in peace.’ And I said, as long as you aren’t wearing a Bama jersey too. (Canned laughter.)
HUGH FREEZE: I find you fascinating.
MILES: Hey, didn’t you coach that guy from the movie, The Blind Side?
FREEZE: Yes sir.
MILES; Tell me this. How do you get a blind guy to play football? Was he built like Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles?
FREEZE: Well, he wasn’t really blind. It was……..(interrupted)….
MILES: Sorry, but I gotta ask. Freeze right? Are you any kin to Mr. Freeze from the Batman movie?
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—–An hour later. Food has been served, everyone has eaten. More alcohol has been consumed–
DAN MULLEN: Hey, Gus Malzahn. Question. Mark Richt, he just sits in the corner and smiles at everyone. Doesn’t talk at all. Something just bugs me about him.
GUS MALZAHN: Yes! It is kinda creepy. It’s like he is checking us out. I tried to make small talk but all he did was nod. It bugs me too.
MULLEN: He looks like someone but maybe it is the beer. Dunno.
MALZAHN: I got it. He looks like this guy.
Malzahn pulls out his phone, shows Mullen this pic.
MULLEN: Holy Sh*t! I ‘m out
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—3 hours in, the conversation has turned to whether or not the SEC should add a 9th game—-
SPURRIER: Wooo-weeee. This is some damn fine moonshine Nick. Where did you get this?
SABAN: That’s shoe polish
MUSCHAMP: IEGIE MNJHYE YGETE UUUUE, GRRRRRRRR!!!
SUMLIN: Man, what the hell is that?
JONES: He just grunts. Never makes a complete sentence. Just grunts.
FREEZE: Nick, I think Muschamp ate your cat.
SUMLIN: Chris Johnson doesn’t make complete sentences either but I kinda understand what he is saying.
MUSCHAMP: YEYKK ARGGH TRODGGGENDED! FOOTBALL!
FRANKLIN: Guys, I wanna just say, it is the best thing ever to be in this league. There is the NFC, the AFC, and the SEC. So proud to be a part of it.
MILES (whispers to Hugh Freeze): Hey, is that Franklin or Sumlin?
PINKEL: I agree. We might not be the most competitive team but so glad to be in the SEC.
MILES (whispers to Mullen): You know Pinkel, it rhymes with tinkle. Hee hee.
MULLEN: How did you ever get out of junior high?
MILES: Well, that is an interesting question. You see, (interrupted)….
NICK SABAN’S WIFE: Excuse me for one second. Guys, Derek Dooley is on the phone. He is lost and wants someone to give him exact directions to get here.
Everyone is laughing.
FRANKLIN: Tell him to ask his mommy.
STOOPS: Hey, that is not nice!
SPURRIER: Who are you?
STOOPS: I am the head football coach at the University of Kentucky.
EVERYONE LAUGHS
MILES: Did you know that Hugh Freeze’s dad was in Batman as a blind football player?
MUSCHAMP: I LIKE SHRMP!
MALZAHN: What the hell!
SABAN: Look, in 2001, Will was with me at LSU. As with all new coaches, I give them a lobotomy. We found a football in his brain. We just left it there.
FRANKLIN: Wait! You gave one of your coaches at lobotomy? How the fu*k did you do that? Why did you do that?
MUSCHAMP: GRRRR! TYAID DIGHEIE MNBHOLIEEA!!
NICK SABAN’S WIFE: Guys, Derek Dooley is at the door.
PINKEL: Hey, tell him we will be there after a quick timeout!
EVERYONE IS IN TEARS FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
SABAN: Well, it has been fun, but it is time to go. And, if I could unleash some sort of virus on you all, I would.
JONES: Hey, Sumlin. It’s 10 pm. Do you know where your quarterback is?
SUMLIN: At least I have one.
FRANKLIN: Oh snap!
FREEZE: Hey Nick, I really think Muschamp ate your cat.
MALZAHN (to Mullen): Mark Richt probably did. HAHAHA!
RICHT: What’s so funny?
SABAN: OK, That is it. Can someone put Muschamp back on the leash. Thanks for coming and remember, I am better than you. At everything.
FREEZE: Hey, is that Bret Bielema in the corner over there? When did he get here.
SABAN: 2 days ago. He brought beer, chips and a carton of cigs. I made him sit over there. He hasn’t moved since.
FRANKLIN: Well next year. This cookout will be at my house when we win the SEC.
JONES: And you will have more people there than at one of your home games.
SPURRIER: HAHAHAHAHA! Now damn, that is funneeeeee! Wooooo!
MILES: Hey everyone! Come here to the front door. Look thru the peephole. Should we let him in?
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
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