Final Get Together

It hit me as I was trying to sleep Monday night.

How fun would it be if the SEC football coaches had a cookout, all 14 in one place at one time, right before the season started?


At first they acted with pleasantries, but before long, it became the biggest smart-ass cookout in the history of cookouts.

This cookout is held at the winner of the SEC champions house.  So this one would be held at Nick Saban’s house.




SABAN:  Hey everyone.  Welcome to the cookout.  I will say this up front.  I despise every single one of you.  Beer is over there, steaks will be done in an hour. If I could give you all the black plague, I would.  Thanks.

GARY PINKEL:  Just because Missouri and Texas A&M are the newest members of the SEC, I don’t think it is fair for me and (Texas A&M head coach) Kevin Sumlin to have to clean up after the party.

At this point, Saban does this to him.

JAMES FRANKLIN: Hey, at Vanderbilt, an education is so vital that we virtually guarantee that if you graduate from Vandy, you will not be picking up trash.

BUTCH JONES:  Here he fu*king goes again.

FRANKLIN:  You wanna dance bro?

MARK STOOPS:  Guys, stop, stop, stop!  This is a cookout!  Let’s have a good time.

FRANKLIN:  Who the fu*k are you?


—–Fast forward, an hour into the party—

LES MILES:  Then the alien said, ‘We come in peace.’  And I said, as long as you aren’t wearing a Bama jersey too.  (Canned laughter.)

HUGH FREEZE:  I find you fascinating.

MILES: Hey, didn’t you coach that guy from the movie, The Blind Side?

FREEZE:  Yes sir.

MILES;  Tell me this.  How do you get a blind guy to play football?  Was he built like Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles?

FREEZE:  Well, he wasn’t really blind.  It was……..(interrupted)….

MILES:  Sorry, but I gotta ask.  Freeze right?  Are you any kin to Mr. Freeze from the Batman movie?


—–An hour later.  Food has been served, everyone has eaten.  More alcohol has been consumed–

DAN MULLEN:  Hey, Gus Malzahn.  Question.  Mark Richt, he just sits in the corner and smiles at everyone.  Doesn’t talk at all.  Something just bugs me about him.

GUS MALZAHN:  Yes!  It is kinda creepy.  It’s like he is checking us out.  I tried to make small talk but all he did was nod.  It bugs me too.

MULLEN:  He looks like someone but maybe it is the beer.  Dunno.

MALZAHN:  I got it.  He looks like this guy.

Malzahn pulls out his phone, shows Mullen this pic.

MULLEN:  Holy Sh*t!  I ‘m out


—3 hours in, the conversation has turned to whether or not the SEC should add a 9th game—-

SPURRIER: Wooo-weeee.  This is some damn fine moonshine Nick.  Where did you get this?

SABAN:  That’s shoe polish


SUMLIN:  Man, what the hell is that?

JONES:  He just grunts.  Never makes a complete sentence.  Just grunts.

FREEZE:  Nick, I think Muschamp ate your cat.

SUMLIN:  Chris Johnson doesn’t make complete sentences either but I kinda understand what he is saying.


FRANKLIN:  Guys, I wanna just say, it is the best thing ever to be in this league.  There is the NFC, the AFC, and the SEC.  So proud to be a part of it.

MILES (whispers to Hugh Freeze):  Hey, is that Franklin or Sumlin?

PINKEL:  I agree.  We might not be the most competitive team but so glad to be in the SEC.

MILES (whispers to Mullen):  You know Pinkel, it rhymes with tinkle.  Hee hee.

MULLEN:  How did you ever get out of junior high?

MILES:  Well, that is an interesting question.  You see, (interrupted)….

NICK SABAN’S WIFE:  Excuse me for one second.  Guys, Derek Dooley is on the phone.  He is lost and wants someone to give him exact directions to get here.

Everyone is laughing.

FRANKLIN:  Tell him to ask his mommy.

STOOPS:  Hey, that is not nice!

SPURRIER:  Who are you?

STOOPS:  I am the head football coach at the University of Kentucky.


MILES:  Did you know that Hugh Freeze’s dad was in Batman as a blind football player?


MALZAHN:  What the hell!

SABAN:  Look, in 2001, Will was with me at LSU.   As with all new coaches, I give them a lobotomy.  We found a football in his brain.  We just left it there.

FRANKLIN:  Wait!  You gave one of your coaches at lobotomy?  How the fu*k did you do that?  Why did you do that?


NICK SABAN’S WIFE:  Guys, Derek Dooley is at the door.

PINKEL:  Hey, tell him we will be there after a quick timeout!


SABAN:  Well, it has been fun, but it is time to go.  And, if I could unleash some sort of virus on you all, I would.

JONES:  Hey, Sumlin.  It’s 10 pm.  Do you know where your quarterback is?

SUMLIN:  At least I have one.

FRANKLIN:  Oh snap!

FREEZE:  Hey Nick, I really think Muschamp ate your cat.

MALZAHN (to Mullen):  Mark Richt probably did. HAHAHA!

RICHT:  What’s so funny?

SABAN:  OK,  That is it.  Can someone put Muschamp back on the leash.  Thanks for coming and remember, I am better than you.  At everything.

FREEZE:  Hey, is that Bret Bielema in the corner over there?  When did he get here.

SABAN:  2 days ago.  He brought beer, chips and a carton of cigs.  I made him sit over there.  He hasn’t moved since.

FRANKLIN:  Well next year.  This cookout will be at my house when we win the SEC.

JONES:  And you will have more people there than at one of your  home games.

SPURRIER:  HAHAHAHAHA!  Now damn, that is funneeeeee!  Wooooo!

MILES:  Hey everyone!  Come here to the front door.  Look thru the peephole.  Should we let him in?




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