We All Know These Guys (and avoid them).

Earlier this summer,  someone posted a hilarious article about the 10 kinds of different moms you will encounter at the pool during the summer.   

If you didn’t see it, go google it and prepare to laugh because it is perfect.  I would link it here but I am lazy and I want you to feel empowered when you go and find it and read it, so when someone asks what you did today, YOU can use this as an example. 

Well, someone has to come up with a dad version of this but as I sat here writing, it always drifted back to the locker room and the types of men you encounter in the locker room, before you head to the pool or to the fitness area.

So, here is the Big Joe list of people you encounter in the locker room.

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numberone

 

The “Hey man, how are you, how is it going, what are you doing today” Guy.

 

I would love to murder this dude.  Straight up murder in the locker room.  This is the guy who has been at work all day, annoying the piss out of co-workers, bosses, customers, etc.  He is the guy who never really accomplished anything athletically yet, has all the answers to not only sports, but politics, religion, Middle-east crisis, why we haven’t been to Mars and why we don’t invade Canada.  He is also the guy who asks you a question and why you are answering, does this…”Yes, yes, yes, yes….”.  Sounds like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, only not.  Avoid this guy, because you always can’t see him coming but you can hear him talking.

 

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number2

 

The “Locker room is empty but I want the locker next to you” Guy.

 

Good luck because you cannot avoid this guy.  He is the one when you are at the movies and it is empty, HAS to sit within punching distance.  For no reason at all.  He slams his stuff in the locker, gets dressed in 11 seconds, slams the locker door like he is breaking someone’s face and is gone.  Best part about this guy, he is in and out in no time.  Also, these types tend to mumble to themselves a lot.  Do not, I repeat, do NOT make eye contact. 

 

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number3

The “I have all 4 of my kids under the age of 6 with me” Guy.

 

God bless this guy.  Seriously, God bless this guy.  He has the kids why Mom goes and does Zumba.  This guy can get undressed and dressed with one arm, while holding the kid(s).   He also has cat-like reflexes that when one of them wanders off, he grabs them in an instant.  And he does it without losing his mind, punching the wall, punching me, punching me and the wall or stuffing one of his kids into the locker.  But, he has the look of someone who has just been released from the stockade where they have been held for 6 years.  See the coincidence?  Exactly. 

 

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number4

The “Verizon Guy.”

 

This guy is everywhere and every place he goes, he annoys every single person around.  Yep, the cell phone guy except now, he as a Blue Tooth.  He comes in talking non-stop.  Goes to the bathroom, still talking non-stop.  Undresses, still talking non-stop.  Gets dressed, still talking non-stop.  Leaves the locker room, still talking non-stop.  I actually saw a guy one time at Panera, lose his blue tooth out of his ear and then, stepped on it and broke it.  Every single person in line laughed cause this was, you guessed it, talking non-stop.

 

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JACKSON5

The “I have done it all” Guy.

 

Coming in at number 5, is one that I totally despise.  People annoy me, but this guy, this guy, I absolutely hate.  Unlike number one, this guy has done it all, seen it all and can tell you the answer to every single thing, especially in sports.  But, he won’t lift a single weight, or swim one lap because according to him, “He blew his knee out in a JV game back in high school and I had football offers from every school in the country,” and it still bothers him today.  He also thinks he knows you but can’t place it from where and says your name wrong, yet, you are so out of it, you don’t correct him.  

 

So there you have it.  The 5 types you will encounter in the locker room.  I have seen all 5 in the last few weeks at the gym, too.  I have also seen them my entire life at the gym and my friends, there is simply no way to avoid them.   But there is one thing you can do. 

Talk to yourself.  Yes, talk to yourself and tell jokes.  And laugh.  Like a crazy man.  Like this guy.

cruisecrazylaugh

You’re welcome!

@BIGJOEONTHEGO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 comment

  1. Brutus July 18, 2014 3:17 pm  Reply

    What about the guy or guys that always try to lift 10 times more than they actually can and their form is simply horrible. Then they walk around like they’re really doing something great. Of course you left out the guys that scream and yell with every lift.

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