Thoughts From The Body

“I will never, ever, run a marathon again.”

Those are the thoughts the second I cross the finish line every time, only to be replaced the next morning with, “I cannot wait for next year.”

Saturday was my 10th half-marathon.

It was also my best/worst one yet.

Had my best mile, 5K and 10K in my life, followed by my body completely shutting down at mile 8.  Yes, literally and figuratively, at mile 8.  Right in front of the sign.

So the blog will be written, from my body’s perspective.

Enjoy!

************************************************************************************

-Alarm goes off at 3:30-

Are you F*Kn kidding me?  This fat bastard is really going to run today?  I get he has been ‘training’ at the Y and when it is nice, at McGavock high school, but I literally thought he was kidding.  Wow.

***6 AM***

Oh, this will be a lot of fun.  He got out of breath walking across the bridge to downtown.  Let me repeat, he is out of breath WALKING across the bridge.  I hope none of my friends see this.  Embarrassing.

*****645*****

Seriously, how does this guy function with all the sh*t he puts in his body?  His pregame meal consists of 13 glasses of Orange Juice, a bagel that he inhaled and eating someone else’s doughnut they left behind.

******650*****

The fastest I have ever seen or felt fat man move is just now.  When he went and got a pic of this guy.

photo (1)

*****730****

Here we go.  For some reason, the cool temps and the fact that fat man has lost some weight, this might be a fun and enjoyable race.  Unlike the previous 9.

***800***

Whoa, fat man is booking today.  Made it through downtown without stopping, now he is on music row, this is unreal.  I think we’re in the wrong body.  I think it is because of his great playlist, featuring the Backstreet Boys, Lana Del Ray and a few other boy bands that I choose not to know.

***830***

Just got a text from the quad area of the fat man, they seem to be on high alert right now.  Damn, just got another text, this one from the upper back area.  They have called for all hands on deck.  Uh-oh.

****845****

False alarm, false alarm!  Thank God because I hate to praise this dude, but he is really doing good.  This is unreal.

****900******

HOLY SH*T!  ALL SYSTEMS REPORTING THEY ARE ON HIGH ALERT.  I REPEAT, HIGH ALERT.  EVERYONE, MAN THE BATTLE STATIONS.  THIS IS NOT A TEST, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!

****901****

Man down.

***903***

 This is not pretty.  And neither is what just came out of fat man at mile 8.  Dear God…..

****930****

It is kinda funny and sad.  His entire body has shut down.  I have no control over anything.  We got a damage report from Scotty, and it said on the sheet, Everything.

****1100******

He can barely move.  He is walking like he is on the sand.  He hasn’t taken a drink in an hour of anything.  He left everything he had, or we had, at mile 8.  How he is not dead, I have no clue.  Oh yes, the mile 12 marker.  Just one more to go.  One more to go.

*****1120****

He made it.  The fat bastard made it.  Didn’t run a single second from mile 8 and gutted it out.  There is no praise for that, just stupidity.  Think what he put us through in those last 5 miles.  Torture.

***1 pm***

Ahhh,  yes!  Back home and in bed.  Ready for a nice long nap.  Good news is, he wont exercise now for about 3 months.  Bad news, we will go through this again next year.

@BIGJOEONTHEGO

3 Comments

  1. Andrea April 27, 2014 5:22 pm  Reply

    Best read yet. Proud of you. Seriously. Way to spill you guts. Literally. It is a goal of mine next year. Team Joe!

  2. alex April 28, 2014 3:28 am  Reply

    Hilarious…..at mile 5 I was thinking to myself…..why in the hell did I sign up for this? But like you said, today I can’t wait to do it again next year.

    • Joe Dubin April 29, 2014 12:06 am  Reply

      Thank you! I will definitely do it again.

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