The Final Get-Together

SECfamilyportrait

Last weekend, all 14 SEC football coaches gathered at the home of Auburn coach Gus Malzahn for one final get-together before the football season starts. 

They did this last year and if you remember the story, Derek Dooley showed up but no one answered the door and he sat in his car for hours.

No Dooley this year but someone just as annoying showed up.

I was the only ‘journalist’ allowed to cover this event.

And it was just as feisty and incredible as you can imagine.

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MALZAHN:  We want to welcome everyone to the cookout.  My wife has blessed the food and much to her chagrin, we are serving alcohol.

SPURRIER:  Hot damn!  Let’s get this sombitch going!

MALZAHN:  Hold up Steve. As we do every year, the new coaches get to go first. Let’s welcome, Derek Mason, new head coach at Vandy.  Derek wanna come on up?

BIELEMA:  What?  He’s a coach?  Give me keys back man.  I thought he was the valet.

MASON:  You just made the list fat boy!

SABAN:  (Chuckling)  That is the first time I have laughed in 17 years.

MASON:  It is truly an honor to be here with all of you.  I am ready to (interrupted)…

MILES:   Can I say something real quick?  Sorry but anyone know what this is?  Looks fancy and important.

RICHT:  It is called a remote control.

MILES:  Like mind control?  (Points it at Will Muschamp)

MUSCHAMP:  EIREHG!  AOIGDOOIG EHEIDOG EHRE AOGHERE!!!

MASON:  What the hell did Muschamp just say?

RICHT:  Yeh Derek, you will learn real soon.  Just don’t talk to Muschamp. Like at all.  (Whispers)  He is on the hot seat.

BIELEMA:  DID SOMEONE SAY HOT WINGS???

BUTCH:  Derek, welcome to party.  We like you so much better than the guy you replaced.

STOOPS:  Dammit Butch.  Dammit.  We had a pact that no one, absolutely no one would bring up James Franklin.

SPURRIER:  Who the hell are you?  The bartender?

STOOPS:  I am Mark Stoops.  Head football coach at the University of Kentucky!

MILES:  Hold up, hold up!  Kentucky is a state?

BUTCH:  Stoops, I wasn’t here for that meeting.  I was criss-crossing the great state of Tennessee telling young men to come be a part of something special.

SPURRIER:  Damn, you mean Dollywood is hiring?  Hell, that even made me laugh.

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Now the food is ready and everyone has gathered outside by the pool.

HUGH FREEZE:  Gus, you have a lovely home.  May I bless it?

MILES:  Who sneezed?

DAN MULLEN:  Crazy story about that Ebola virus and them bringing that guy to the US.  I hope it doesn’t spread and if it does, I hope it doesn’t spread quick.

RICHT:  Oh God, here we go!

SABAN:  Y’all know my thoughts on the spread offense and I think we are setting a real bad precedent on the offense and injuries and what it does to the game if we don’t slow the spread done and give the defense a time to adjust and then, to make substitutions that can counter wha the offense is preparing for.  Not only for that play but for other types that are looking to run that style, when and wherever it may be.  Right Derek Mason?

MASON:  I have no F*King clue what you just said.

MUSCHAMP:  Hahaha…hehehehe…HAHAHAHA….HEHEHEHE!   ALL MUST DIE!!!!

BUTCH:  (mumbling to himself) 102,655….102,655…..102,655…..102,655…

MASON (to Spurrier):  What the hell is going on with him?

SPURRIER:  Well, he umm, he, he is a…..he’s weird.

BIELEMA:  Look here.  There is a reason his name is Butch.  Just look at his haircut.

FREEZE:  That is just plain rude Bret.  You apologize right now.  RIGHT NOW!

MALZAHN:  What is the problem here?  We are here to talk and have a good time.

MILES:  You guys seen that TV show Scandal yet?  I heard it is about Mark Richt’s players at Georgia

les miles

Everyone laughs, but Mark Richt, who gives Les this look….

dahmer

SPURRIER:  Everyone just settle down.  Hell, we are SEC coaches.  That means we are the best in the country.

BUTCH:  102,655,…..102,655….We tell kids in Tennessee to come be part of something special.  Team 118.  Special.

MASON:  How in the……I really don’t know what to say.  He makes Les Miles look sane.

BUTCH:  Come be part of something special.  We have something building here.  Brick by brick!

BIELEMA:  And the winner is me!  Yes, I had Butch at 27 minutes before he blabbed “Brick by Brick.”  I win!

SABAN:  No, you only win prick by prick  (Saban smiles slightly.  Catches his reflection in the mirror. Immediately fires an assistant.)

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Now the party is winding down.  Kevin Sumlin left when Les Miles kept calling “Manziel,” “Manzier,” and Gary Pinkel left when no one would talk to him.

MALZAHN:  Well I say it has been a fun evening.  We have had some feathers ruffled but all in all a good time.

SPURRIER:  What the hell is that?

Everyone turns and looks in the backyard.  Coming thru the gates, this…

JIMMYFRANKbeingcarried

BUTCH:  No, it can’t be.

STOOPS:  Holy Shit!

RICHT: I cannot believe my eyes

MULLEN;  Why is he here?  Why, why, why?

MASON:  Who is it?  I can’t tell.

MALZAHN:  Oh man.  How did he find us.  It is this guy…

JIMMYFRANKPSU

FRANKLIN:  Hey boys, miss me?  I will make this quick.  Butch, sorry about your luck the last two years.  Orange is the new black, but in this case, Black is the new Orange.

BUTCH: You sonofabitch!

FRANKLIN:  Hey Spurrier.  Come play me now old man.  Different ballgame now.

SPURRIER:  Are you Cortland Finnegan?  Seriously, who are you?

FRANKLIN:  Hey, Richt.  That G on the helmet?  Stands for gone.  You.  After this year.

RICHT:  I am sorry, but that is very rude.  Very rude.

FRANKLIN (to STOOPS):  Hey pardner…can I get a Dewars and water?  Preesh!

STOOPS:  I am the football coach at the University of Kentucky.  Dammit!!

FRANKLIN:  That’s right.  We beat y’all with Vandy’s all-decade team from 1950.  Half didn’t show up because they are dead. Thanks for the Dub though, bro.

MASON:  I think you need to see yourself to the door.

FRANKLIN:  I think you need to see yourself to some new heels bro.  What are you, 4 foot 5?  Seriously chill.

MASON:  You have said what you need to say.  You weren’t invited.

MALZAHN:  James, please leave now.  I am the host and the SEC defending champs makes the rules.

FRANKLIN:  Hey Mason, check the bottom the right drawer.  I left a note for you.

BIELEMA:  I can’t wait to host one of these parties.

FRANKLIN:  Bro, you ain’t going to host one of these.  You are lucky they didn’t stuff an apple in your mouth and roast your big butt.  Hey, I am out.  Catch me on twitter fools.  I use 140 characters the way Tyler Perry uses them in his films.

SPURRIER: That made no sense.  Aerosmith is a great band, don’t disrespect them….

MALZAHN:  Hey, everyone, be quiet!  What is that noise?

MULLEN:  It is a drone. IT IS A DRONE.  AND IT IS ARMED!

MALZAHN:  Damn, where is Saban?

RICHT:  He is gone.  HE IS GONE.  Surely, he wouldn’t order a Drone strike on us would he?

sabansly

@BIGJOEONTHEGO

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