SPURRIER’S ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

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WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD STEVE SPURRIER NOT PLAYED FOOTBALL?

BUT, GONE INTO ANOTHER PROFESSION AND AT THE SAME TIME, KEPT HIS BOMBASTIC PERSONALITY?

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL.  SO, HERE ARE SOME SPURRIER JOBS AND A FEW QUOTES FROM THOSE PROFESSIONS.

AND, THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU READ IT IN THE VOICE OF SPURRIER.  ENJOY!

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SPURRIER AS A SCHOOL CROSSING GUARD

“WELP, YOU BEST SLOW YOUR CAR DOWN NOW AND LET THESE LITTLE ONES PASS BY.  YOU TOO BUSY CHECKING YOUR PHONES FOR CRACKBOOK LIKES OR SOME FAVORITED ONE OF YOUR STUPID TWITS, OR TWEETS, OR WHATEVER.  I HOPE YOU HIT THAT TREE OVER THERE.”

 

SPURRIER AS A MANAGER AT CHIK-FIL-A

 “AND HERE IS YOUR ORDER.”

“AREN’T YOU GOING TO SAY MY PLEASURE?’

“NO.”

“WHY NOT? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.”

“LOOK LADY ALL I AM SUPPOSED TO DO IS GIVE YOU YOUR FOOD, HOT AND FRESH.  YOU CAN GET YOUR PLEASURE SOMEONE ELSE.  AND, BY WHAT YOU ARE WEARING, YOU CAN PROBABLY GET IT ON ANY STREET CORNER. website analysis software how to value a domain name  NOW GET!”

 

SPURRIER AS A GAS STATION ATTENDANT

 

“SIR, CAN YOU CHECK THE OIL AND WIPER FLUID?”

“NOPE.”

 

SPURRIER AS A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

“MR.SPURRIER, I REALLY WANT GO TO TO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL.”

“HAHA, BOY, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR GRADES”

“SIR, I HAVE STRAIGHT A’S.”

“BUT YOU’RE UGLY.  A LITTLE FAT, COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS MORE YOU.”

 

SPURRIER AS A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR

 “MR. SPURRIER, ARE YOU AWAKE?”

“MR. SPURRIER??”

“YEH, I AM AWAKE.  WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

“HOW AM I DOING?  AM I DOING GOOD?”

“SEE THAT LIQUOR STORE THERE?  PULL IN.”

“UHH, ARE YOU SURE, SIR?”

“YEHP, I WOULD RATHER BE DRUNK WHEN YOU KILL US?”

 

SPURRIER AS A STARBUCKS WORKER

 “UMM, UMMM, LETS SEE HERE. UMM, UHHH.”

“HEY, GORDO, THE MENU IS RIGHT THERE.  I AIN’T GOT ALL DAY.”

“WELL, THAT IS KINDA RUDE.”

“WAIT TIL I SPIT IN YOUR COFFEE.  NOW GET THE HELL OUT!”

 

SPURRIER AS A CAB DRIVER

“HEY, WHATS A GREAT PLACE TO GO DANCING?”

“I DONT KNOW.”

“NOT  ONE PLACE COMES TO MIND?”

“WHAT COMES TO MIND IS THAT AWFUL PERFUME YOU HAVE ON.  YOU TRYING TO ATTRACT A BEAR?

“I AM SORRY BUT THAT IS NOT NICE.”

“NEITHER ARE YOUR EYEBROWS.  YOU DO THAT WITH A SHARPIE?”

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@BIGJOEONTHEGO 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Cindy Louizos October 14, 2015 4:29 am  Reply

    Funny, a few of us Gator fans that live here in Tennessee. (Lebanon) were talking he would be a great sports announcer for football, college of course or golf. Love you on Channel 4.

    • Joe Dubin October 14, 2015 1:15 pm  Reply

      Thank you! Yes, you can put him in any job and without no filter, would be priceless!!

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