I turn 45 on Friday.
2 months ago, I got a letter from the DMV saying I needed to renew my license. I can do it online, if I want the same picture, or I can come in and get a new one made.
Oh boy, decisions.
I decided to get a new picture made. It has been 10 years.
Then I thought, the DMV. I drive by there all the time and there are what seems to be, hundreds, possibly thousands, standing in line, every single day.
I get off work Tuesday and since this particular DMV is close by, I decided to stop.
And what happened was like a scene of out of Stripes when they were getting ready to board the bus to boot camp.
I pull up and there are like 4 cars in the parking lot and no one waiting in line. I get out of my truck and a guy parked two spaces over says, “hey buddy, your lights are on.”
“Thank you,” I replied and realized my lights weren’t on.
“Haha, I got you.”
I didn’t know whether to punch him in the face, go in, drive off or do all 3. I chose to go in.
Once inside, only 3 people there. I look around and a guy next to me asks, “Why is your license suspended? DUI? Mine is suspended for not paying a speeding ticket.”
“Got to pay them,” I reluctantly replied.
“I can’t until I pay off my DUI.”
Huh? I have literally taken a right turn into The Twilight Zone. No joke.
“Are you here to renew your license sir? A loud deep voice asks.
I turn around to see a woman practically yelling at me.
“Then walk up to the kiosk and get going!”
Again, 3 people in there, and where were all of those people I had seen every time I drove by. Now I was wishing they were there so I could be left alone.
I start to enter my info into the kiosk and I hear that booming voice again.
“Hey I know you. From somewhere, how do I know you?”
Guy next to me at the kiosk, about 60 years old or so, says, “How does she know you?”
Now I am getting it from both sides. (TWSS).
“Ma’am I don’t know.”
“You are a contractor or something. I know that. No wait,
I know you from something else.”
I proceed to fill all the info out, enter my information and the guy next to me says, “You can pay with a Visa card?”
He had been looking at my screen the whole time. WTF?
“Actually,” I whispered, “I am paying with a Kroger plus card. It always works and doesn’t cost me a dime.”
He looked like I just told him we were going to (cue the Nic Cage voice), ‘steal, the Declaration of Independence.
I enter my info, press send and proceed to walk over to get
my picture made.
“Tell me where I know you from. “
“Umm, I used to be on TV.”
“THAT’S IT. TV. I TOLD Y’ALL I KNEW HIM. HE IS THAT GUY FROM TV. YOU MAKE ME LAUGH ALL THE TIME.”
“Thank you but I haven’t been on TV in about 2 years.”
“But I was right. I am always right. I like being right. I knew it. I am right.”
“Stand in front of the blue screen and whatever you do, don’t smile. I need to take your picture.”
I smiled when she clicked.
“I told you, not to smile. Show no emotion.”
She clicked again. I smiled again.
“I don’t have all day.”
She clicked again. I half-smiled.
It got past through.
She handed me a piece of paper.
“Have a great day.”
All of this in about 5 minutes. It seemed like 5 days.
In and out.
I walk outside and A-hole number one is still there.
“Dude, you are dripping oil BAD. Wow!”
He gets out, pops his hood and starts looking around his engine and I get in my car and drive off.
I hope it took him 3 hours to figure out I was kidding.
The damn DMV.
See ya again in 10 years.