Final Get Together

SEC-Portrait1

It hit me as I was trying to sleep Monday night.

How fun would it be if the SEC football coaches had a cookout, all 14 in one place at one time, right before the season started?

Unfiltered.

At first they acted with pleasantries, but before long, it became the biggest smart-ass cookout in the history of cookouts.

This cookout is held at the winner of the SEC champions house.  So this one would be held at Nick Saban’s house.

Enjoy.

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SABAN:  Hey everyone.  Welcome to the cookout.  I will say this up front.  I despise every single one of you.  Beer is over there, steaks will be done in an hour. If I could give you all the black plague, I would.  Thanks.

GARY PINKEL:  Just because Missouri and Texas A&M are the newest members of the SEC, I don’t think it is fair for me and (Texas A&M head coach) Kevin Sumlin to have to clean up after the party.

At this point, Saban does this to him.

Force-Choke-Vader

JAMES FRANKLIN: Hey, at Vanderbilt, an education is so vital that we virtually guarantee that if you graduate from Vandy, you will not be picking up trash.

BUTCH JONES:  Here he fu*king goes again.

FRANKLIN:  You wanna dance bro?

MARK STOOPS:  Guys, stop, stop, stop!  This is a cookout!  Let’s have a good time.

FRANKLIN:  Who the fu*k are you?

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—–Fast forward, an hour into the party—

LES MILES:  Then the alien said, ‘We come in peace.’  And I said, as long as you aren’t wearing a Bama jersey too.  (Canned laughter.)

HUGH FREEZE:  I find you fascinating.

MILES: Hey, didn’t you coach that guy from the movie, The Blind Side?

FREEZE:  Yes sir.

MILES;  Tell me this.  How do you get a blind guy to play football?  Was he built like Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles?

FREEZE:  Well, he wasn’t really blind.  It was……..(interrupted)….

MILES:  Sorry, but I gotta ask.  Freeze right?  Are you any kin to Mr. Freeze from the Batman movie?

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—–An hour later.  Food has been served, everyone has eaten.  More alcohol has been consumed–

DAN MULLEN:  Hey, Gus Malzahn.  Question.  Mark Richt, he just sits in the corner and smiles at everyone.  Doesn’t talk at all.  Something just bugs me about him.

GUS MALZAHN:  Yes!  It is kinda creepy.  It’s like he is checking us out.  I tried to make small talk but all he did was nod.  It bugs me too.

MULLEN:  He looks like someone but maybe it is the beer.  Dunno.

MALZAHN:  I got it.  He looks like this guy.

Malzahn pulls out his phone, shows Mullen this pic.

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MULLEN:  Holy Sh*t!  I ‘m out

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—3 hours in, the conversation has turned to whether or not the SEC should add a 9th game—-

SPURRIER: Wooo-weeee.  This is some damn fine moonshine Nick.  Where did you get this?

SABAN:  That’s shoe polish

MUSCHAMP:  IEGIE MNJHYE YGETE UUUUE, GRRRRRRRR!!!

SUMLIN:  Man, what the hell is that?

JONES:  He just grunts.  Never makes a complete sentence.  Just grunts.

FREEZE:  Nick, I think Muschamp ate your cat.

SUMLIN:  Chris Johnson doesn’t make complete sentences either but I kinda understand what he is saying.

MUSCHAMP:  YEYKK ARGGH TRODGGGENDED!  FOOTBALL! 

FRANKLIN:  Guys, I wanna just say, it is the best thing ever to be in this league.  There is the NFC, the AFC, and the SEC.  So proud to be a part of it.

MILES (whispers to Hugh Freeze):  Hey, is that Franklin or Sumlin?

PINKEL:  I agree.  We might not be the most competitive team but so glad to be in the SEC.

MILES (whispers to Mullen):  You know Pinkel, it rhymes with tinkle.  Hee hee.

MULLEN:  How did you ever get out of junior high?

MILES:  Well, that is an interesting question.  You see, (interrupted)….

NICK SABAN’S WIFE:  Excuse me for one second.  Guys, Derek Dooley is on the phone.  He is lost and wants someone to give him exact directions to get here.

Everyone is laughing.

FRANKLIN:  Tell him to ask his mommy.

STOOPS:  Hey, that is not nice!

SPURRIER:  Who are you?

STOOPS:  I am the head football coach at the University of Kentucky.

EVERYONE LAUGHS

MILES:  Did you know that Hugh Freeze’s dad was in Batman as a blind football player?

MUSCHAMP:  I LIKE SHRMP!

MALZAHN:  What the hell!

SABAN:  Look, in 2001, Will was with me at LSU.   As with all new coaches, I give them a lobotomy.  We found a football in his brain.  We just left it there.

FRANKLIN:  Wait!  You gave one of your coaches at lobotomy?  How the fu*k did you do that?  Why did you do that?

MUSCHAMP:  GRRRR! TYAID DIGHEIE MNBHOLIEEA!!

NICK SABAN’S WIFE:  Guys, Derek Dooley is at the door.

PINKEL:  Hey, tell him we will be there after a quick timeout!

EVERYONE IS IN TEARS FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.

SABAN:  Well, it has been fun, but it is time to go.  And, if I could unleash some sort of virus on you all, I would.

JONES:  Hey, Sumlin.  It’s 10 pm.  Do you know where your quarterback is?

SUMLIN:  At least I have one.

FRANKLIN:  Oh snap!

FREEZE:  Hey Nick, I really think Muschamp ate your cat.

MALZAHN (to Mullen):  Mark Richt probably did. HAHAHA!

RICHT:  What’s so funny?

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SABAN:  OK,  That is it.  Can someone put Muschamp back on the leash.  Thanks for coming and remember, I am better than you.  At everything.

FREEZE:  Hey, is that Bret Bielema in the corner over there?  When did he get here.

SABAN:  2 days ago.  He brought beer, chips and a carton of cigs.  I made him sit over there.  He hasn’t moved since.

bret-bielema-arkansas-570x306

FRANKLIN:  Well next year.  This cookout will be at my house when we win the SEC.

JONES:  And you will have more people there than at one of your  home games.

SPURRIER:  HAHAHAHAHA!  Now damn, that is funneeeeee!  Wooooo!

MILES:  Hey everyone!  Come here to the front door.  Look thru the peephole.  Should we let him in?

Derek-Dooley

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

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@BIGJOEONTHEGO

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1 comment

  1. Steve Martin July 30, 2013 5:10 pm  Reply

    You left out the part where Buckeye Urban calls the cops on them.

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